Someone I was at school with when I was eight told me something years later, when we were both adults. When I first walked into our classroom, he said, it was like a tidal wave had entered the room.
I’ve gone from being that tidal wave to someone who tries to do a gentle dance through life. Books by people like Brené Brown helped that happen, and The Gifts of Imperfection is the one I’d start with.
She’s been a big influence on me for a long time. On a podcast once, Nigel Risner offered me a million pounds if I could guess his favourite motivational speaker in three goes. My first guess was Brené Brown. I got it wrong, and pretty much straight away told him to just tell me. But it tells you whose name was at the front of my mind.
None of us are perfect, so why do we keep trying to be? I wrote a whole book about it, Done Beats Perfect. The idea is simple: get stuff done and move forward, then make it better. Brené comes at the same problem from the inside, and she goes deeper than I did.
In my book I tell the story of a boss who once said to me, “nobody’s perfect.” My reply was “except me.” I had a massive fragile ego back then. But when I said “except me”, what I was really thinking was “accept me”. All I wanted was to fit in.
That’s exactly the ground Brené covers. Perfectionism looks like high standards from the outside. Underneath, it’s usually a scared person trying to earn approval. And done beats perfect doesn’t mean any old junk will do. It means your best is good enough, and waiting for perfect is just another way of putting your life on hold.
Ten guideposts
The book is her guide to what she calls wholehearted living. She sets out ten guideposts, and each one pairs something to cultivate with something to let go of. Authenticity, and letting go of what people think. Self-compassion, and letting go of perfectionism. Play and rest, and letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol. There’s even one about laughter, song and dance, which as a DJ I’m obviously in favour of.
Another guidepost is about letting go of numbing. Her point is that you can’t numb the painful feelings without numbing the good ones too. I’ve been sober since 2014, and that one makes a lot of sense to me.
One idea I’d point anyone to is the difference she draws between healthy striving and perfectionism. Healthy striving is about wanting to get better for yourself. Perfectionism is about what other people will think. On the outside they can look identical. On the inside, one keeps you moving and the other keeps you stuck.
Your imperfections are part of what makes you uniquely you. Brené gives you guideposts to help with that, like self-compassion, being gentle with yourself and accepting yourself. None of those came naturally to the tidal wave.
The snooze button
In 2015 I made a 31-day video series called Tune Into the True You, with a workbook to go with it. Day six opened with a line credited to her:
[CHECK QUOTE] “The universe is not short on wake-up calls. We’re just quick to hit the snooze button.”
The task that day was a snooze list. Everything you’d been putting off, with a circle round the ones you’d snoozed more than once. I was talking from experience. I kept hitting snooze on my health for years. There were so many warning signs while it was getting worse. I kept hoping someone would come along with some magic pills and make me better.
That’s the link for me between perfectionism and the snooze button. When you’re waiting to feel ready, or waiting for the perfect moment, it’s very easy to keep hitting snooze. Self-compassion makes it easier to get up and start badly.
If you’ve been hard on yourself for a long time, this book is a kind way in. It’s warm, it’s honest about Brené’s own struggles, and she never talks down to you. Her Gifts of Imperfect Parenting is worth a listen too.
It’s in the emotions chapter of my free guide, 50 Books That Shaped Me, right next to her Atlas of the Heart.
So what have you been snoozing while you wait for it to be perfect?
