Eighty-seven. That’s how many emotions and experiences Brené Brown maps out in Atlas of the Heart. Her research found most people could name three while they were feeling them: happy, sad and angry.
Three, out of everything going on inside us. No wonder so many of us struggle to explain how we feel.
It’s odd when you think about it. We’ll spend hours learning new software or the rules of a sport. We spend almost no time learning the words for what’s going on inside us. Then we wonder why conversations at home or at work go sideways.
The book is laid out like a proper atlas. She groups the emotions into thirteen chapters. Each one is a place we go: when things are uncertain or too much, when we compare, when things don’t go to plan. Every emotion gets a plain definition, a bit of research, and usually a story from Brené’s own life.
“Language is our portal to meaning-making, connection, healing, learning, and self-awareness.”
That’s the heart of it. If you can’t name what you feel, you can’t do much with it. You can’t explain it to the people you love. You can’t ask for the right help. You just carry this vague sense that something’s off.
Guilt and shame
Brené’s work helped me understand the difference between guilt and shame, and that one idea has stayed with me ever since. Guilt is about what I did. Shame is about who I am.
I talked about this on a podcast back in 2019, and I still put it the same way. “I actually think guilt is a fairly healthy thing to feel. Shame isn’t.” If you feel guilty about something you did, that’s a useful warning not to do it again. Shame is different. Until you forgive yourself, you carry it around forever, and it starts to cloud everything: your judgement, your actions, the way you talk to people.
And it stops you being who you could be, because of the story you keep telling yourself. “I’m this type of person.” Once that story sets in, it starts making your decisions for you.
Atlas of the Heart is full of distinctions like that. Envy is wanting something someone else has. Jealousy is the fear of losing something you’ve already got. Stress is when the demands feel bigger than your ability to cope. Overwhelm is when it’s got so intense you can’t function. They sound like small differences on paper. In real life they lead to very different conversations.
Another good one is the difference between empathy and sympathy. Empathy is feeling with someone. Sympathy is feeling for them, from a safe distance. Most of us have had both from friends when things went wrong, and we know which one helped.
The point of all this is accuracy. If you tell your partner you’re angry when you’re actually ashamed, you’ll have the wrong argument. If you tell yourself you’re a failure when you’re actually disappointed, you’ll make the wrong decision. Getting the word right is half the work.
What she does brilliantly is help us get clear on what we’re really feeling, rather than what we think we’re feeling. It puts the focus on the feeling, and keeps it off the person. You are not depression. Depression is something you feel.
I want to be careful with that last one. I’m not a doctor, and none of this is medical advice. If you’re struggling, please speak to your GP. But there’s something useful in the idea that a feeling is something you’re having, and it doesn’t get to define who you are.
Her ideas get into your head so deeply that you stop noticing where they came from. On the same podcast a few years later, I brought up the idea of choosing your emotions the way you choose your clothes. I credited it to Brené. It was actually Elizabeth Gilbert. Nigel Risner, who hosts it, let me off, but it says a lot about how much of Brené’s stuff is rattling around in there.
Atlas of the Heart opens the emotions chapter in my free guide, 50 Books That Shaped Me. It’s a good place to start that shelf.
Keep it somewhere close. It’s the book to reach for when you can’t quite put your finger on what’s going on.
