We're in the library this week, because the PropShow's usual studio has flooded. Lucy Parker is over from Dubai, the hats are on, and Chris and the team have just announced the serious bit of the show.
The first question comes across the table. "Why have people got a fear of failure in life, let alone starting an agency?"
I don't go for the obvious answer. "I think it goes deeper. Let's go deep."
"It's the fear of rejection." Then I go one layer further. "It's the fear of not being loved."
That was episode 36, which went out on 23 August 2019. At the time I was doing a lot of work with estate and letting agents, and with business owners in general.
Where the fear starts
I took everyone right back to being born. As a baby you can't look after yourself. So I asked them, "if nobody loved you, what happened?"
One of the presenters got there before me. "Die."
"So we've got this inborn fear of what if nobody loves me." And from there it becomes a chain. "Which leads to a fear of rejection, which leads to a fear of failure. Because if I fail, people will reject me. If they reject me, I won't be loved."
Deep down, I said, it usually comes back to one of two thoughts: "It's either I'm not enough, or it's nobody will love me."
"Most of us don't even think about this stuff on any kind of conscious level at all." But it's running anyway, in the background, every time we think about putting ourselves out there.
I did point out that this was probably "not the normal laughing, joking thing" people tune in for. They were happy to go deep.
Who's betting on you
Lucy made a good point about salaries. A salary feels safer, because even if you fail, at least you pay the bills. She wasn't on one. She was betting on herself.
So when we got onto the biggest fear of starting your own business, I picked up where she'd left off. It's the worry of "what if it all goes wrong and I don't get paid". And that comes down to a choice. You ask yourself, "am I prepared to bet on myself and my own abilities and my own talents? Or am I going to play cautious and let someone else bet on me?"
Someone at the table kindly said they'd bet on me. But if someone else bets on you, "they're not going to bet as big."
It's the same idea I keep coming back to when I tell people to stop waiting to get picked.
Insert coins and start again
Then I risked giving my age away. "I'm maybe going to show my age here a little bit."
I took them back to the Nintendo 64 and the Sega Mega Drive. Say you're playing Sonic the Hedgehog. You go through the level, get to the end, beat the boss (Dr. Robotnik, obviously) and move on to the next one.
And if you don't make it to the end? You start that level again. "But each time we start that level again, we know a little bit better how we can get through the level." You know what's coming, so you've got a better chance of beating the boss each time.
Lucy suggested I use Fortnite, because the kids would get it. "I can't because I don't understand that game." So Sonic it was.
The point was about the word itself. "It's not failure." You just "didn't finish the level on that life. Start again."
Or as I put it a second later, "Insert coins and start again."
A knock-back stings because of that old fear underneath it. You've had a go at the level, and you know a little bit better what's coming.
Watch the full chat
Have another go
Next time something doesn't work, don't call it failure. You just didn't finish the level on that life. Have a think about what you saw coming this time round, then insert coins and start again.
First published August 2019 on The PropShow.
