First published 7 February 2022 on Your Best Year Starts Here with Nigel Risner.
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Someone rang Nigel a couple of weeks before we recorded this to have a go. They'd heard him on here saying you always do this and you always do that, and wanted to know if he actually lives by it all. His answer was absolutely not. But he does know his golden rules, and two of them come from The Four Agreements (he couldn't remember the title, I could). Don't take anything personally. Don't make assumptions.
What I liked is that Nigel says it cuts both ways. In his early days he spoke at a big conference for a pharmaceutical company and 900 people said he was the best speaker they'd ever heard. His ego got even bigger than normal. He never heard from that company again. And standing ovations don't tell him much either. He's had one followed three days later by an email saying he didn't hit the brief, and a room that didn't say a word that sent him an email to die for weeks afterwards.
My example was less glamorous. A client went quiet, so I chased them, and they said "Didn't you get my email?" It had gone into my junk folder. By then I'd already played the tape forward and made up a story about what was going on in their business. And they were probably thinking I hadn't replied.
We also asked you lot how long you want these to be. Some people had asked for the old 12 minutes back because they've only got a short drive. Nigel offered to go back to bullying me if that's what you'd prefer.
Then onto honesty, and who you actually listen to. Nigel used to end tough conversations with "Thank you for caring enough about me to tell me the truth." I said it matters who the opinion is coming from. I've been to two operas and got bored both times, which says nothing about the opera. Take some people to the World DJ Championships and they'd say it's just noise. Nigel, right on cue, said it's just noise and could I turn it down.
What stuck
- Don't take the praise personally either. 900 glowing reviews and Nigel never heard from that company again.
- Before you decide what someone going quiet means, check your junk folder.
- Once you're thinking "it must mean...", you're reacting to a story you made up.
- Find a few people who'll tell you the truth, and thank them for it.
- Listen to the people in the arena with you, not the ones shouting from the stands.
Thank you for caring enough about me to tell me the truth.
Nigel Risner
As soon as we go, 'It must mean,' we then build our own story, and sometimes we react to our own story, and the things we take personally haven't even happened.
Neil Martin
