It's a Sunday, and my phone lights up. Some friends are making plans for later and want to know if I'm in. Earlier in the week I said maybe. Now the maybe has to turn into something.
Yes would be easy. Everyone would be happy. But I've got things of my own I want to get done today, and if I say yes it's only to keep people happy. So the maybe becomes a no. Nobody's let down, because I never promised, and I get my day back.
If your thumb types "Yes, of course" before your head has caught up, this one's for you. You'll come away with a quick way to tell which yeses are worth keeping, and one small no to practise this week, so the big ones get easier.
Yes is the default
Almost everything around us is built to get a yes out of us. Adverts and sign-up boxes are designed for it, and most of the questions we ask each other are fishing for one too.
Richard Branson has a famous line about this. If somebody offers you an amazing opportunity and you're not sure you can do it, say yes, then learn how to do it later.
I love that for an amazing opportunity. Most of what lands in your inbox is a favour, a meeting, an extra job, another evening gone. And when someone's expecting a yes, saying anything else can feel rude, so we say yes and sort out the cost later.
Where regret really comes from
Have I said yes to things I later wished I hadn't? Probably. They're not what sticks in my mind, though.
What sticks are the things I never tried. The times I didn't push myself, or didn't find the courage to have a go.
That's why no matters so much. We all get the same 24 hours. The way I find time for the things I want to say yes to is by saying no to almost everything else. If I don't put the things that matter to me first, that's where the regret comes from.
No is a complete sentence
You're allowed to say no. You're also allowed to say it without a speech to go with it.
The writer Derek Sivers has a rule I keep coming back to. Anything short of a hell yeah gets a no. It sounds harsh until you try it.
Before you answer, check what your body is telling you. Picture yourself saying yes. Does your chest lift, or does your stomach drop? Now picture saying no. If what you feel is relief, that's useful information.
A yes you didn't mean doesn't stay small. It turns into resentment, sometimes towards the person who asked and sometimes towards yourself. Leave it long enough and it shows up as stress you can feel.
Build the muscle
Saying no is like any muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it gets, so start where nobody gets hurt.
Someone offers to grab you a coffee and you don't want one. Say "no thanks" and leave it there. No excuse, no story about cutting down. Notice how that feels. For most people there's a little bit of relief in it, maybe even a bit of a buzz.
Then try a slightly bigger one. An invitation you'd only go to out of guilt. A call that could have been an email. Each one makes the next one easier.
Taking back a yes
The real test is a yes you've already given and wish you hadn't.
You're allowed to change your mind. Some people say be brutally honest about it. I'd rather be kind and still be completely honest. Tell them early, tell them plainly, give your reason if it helps, and leave the guilt out of the message.
The sooner you say it, the easier it is for everyone, you included. Most people would much rather hear no on Monday than get a half-hearted yes on Thursday.
First published July 2022.
