One of my big lessons, in business and in life, is the importance of feeling understood.
So many people focus on trying to get others to understand them. I think that’s backwards. It’s not about getting people to understand you. It’s about getting them to feel understood by you.
Henry Ford’s one secret
Dale Carnegie makes the same point in How to Win Friends and Influence People, and he borrows the line from Henry Ford.
“If there is any one secret of success,” said Henry Ford, “it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from his angle as well as from your own.”
Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People (1936), Part One, Chapter 3
Carnegie reckoned 90 per cent of people ignore this 90 per cent of the time. Ninety years on, I’m not sure those numbers have moved much.
Being blind to it will cost you
In every moment there’s more than one point of view. If you’re blind to everybody’s except your own, it will cost you. Whether it costs you now or it costs you in the future, it will cost you.
Keeping an open mind, being honest about where you really are and being prepared to make a change are critical for moving forward. So is taking the time to truly learn about other people and what matters to them. Relationships that aren’t only about you, but are actually rooted in caring about the other person, make the world of difference.
Look in the mirror, then listen
Sometimes we all run away from the moment when we need to look in the mirror, or when we need to shut up and listen deeply. It can be uncomfortable. But what we learn in the process, about other people and about ourselves, changes everything if we let it.
Features, advantages and benefits
Bringing this back to business: the better you understand the client, or the ideal client you want to work with, the more chance you’ve got of building that relationship. And of showing them what you offer that truly matters to them. Not what you think matters to them. What actually matters to them.
Some years ago someone talked to me about benefits, and told me that most of what people call benefits are really just advantages. Actually, most salespeople don’t even get as far as advantages. They talk about features. The shorthand is FABs: features, advantages, benefits.
- The feature is about the thing you offer, the product or the service.
- The advantage is why it’s better than, or different from, the other things on the market.
- The benefit is customer-specific. It’s how it meets their needs. It’s personalised to the exact person you’re talking to at that time.
You can’t get to a real benefit without seeing things from the other person’s side first. That’s Ford’s secret again.
Here’s a simple test. Read back the last sales email you sent. Count how many times it says we and I, and how many times it says you.
