First published 13 April 2020 on Your Best Year Starts Here with Nigel Risner.
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Nigel opened by offering me a million pounds if I could guess his favourite motivational speaker in three goes. I said Brené Brown, got it wrong, and pretty much straight away told him to just tell me. It was Leo Buscaglia, and the episode title comes from his line. You can be the juiciest, ripest peach in the world and there'll still be people who hate peaches.
Then came the story of Nigel parked on the side of a freeway near Cocoa Beach in Florida. He'd just spoken, and a voice message from Angie, the organiser, told him he'd averaged 4.9. He spent 25 minutes sat there wondering how bad he must have been, because in the UK that group scores out of 10. In the US it's out of five. When he rang her the next day she said they'd never had a speaker score that high. He was a stone's throw from Ron Jon Surf Shop and couldn't enjoy any of it.
We stayed on scores for a bit. When I speak or MC, I tell the organisers I only want fives and ones. A pile of threes and fours from people who won't say they didn't enjoy it is no use to me, and if half the room gives me a one, don't book me again. Ten years ago I'd have taken the four. Nigel also had a whole group mark him 9.9 because he'd told them on stage that nobody gets perfect.
And he apologised on air for ribbing me about being late, after a listener said it put them off while they were driving. He picked a day I'd turned up on time.
My other point was about the rules you set for feeling loved. If the rule is that everybody has to love me, that's never happening. A smile from whoever hands me my coffee at the Starbucks drive-through will do. Nigel pushed back, as a coach, that if you need other people's approval they end up controlling you. Fair enough. We finished on my mate Mike, who says "This too will pass" about everything, even when you tell him you've had the best day ever.
The bits worth keeping
- Some people won't like you whatever you do, and they're entitled to that.
- Check what a score is out of before you let it ruin your day.
- Fives and ones tell you more than a pile of threes and fours.
- If your rule for feeling loved needs everyone to love you, change the rule.
When I gave up looking for love constantly, my life changed.
Nigel Risner
I want you to either love what I do or hate what I do, and be honest about it.
Neil Martin
