First published 1 July 2019 on Your Best Year Starts Here with Nigel Risner.
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Episode 32, version two. Nigel and I had already recorded a perfectly good one on self-esteem, then I made a technical mess of it (my fault, all of it) and we had to start again. Which was a decent way in, as it happens. Nigel's point is that people with high self-esteem take risks, and they also take full responsibility when they get something wrong.
People who don't feel good about themselves get defensive instead. It was the airline's fault the plane left without them. The government's fault the M25 was jammed. Nigel went on Jack Canfield's eight-day workshop in Santa Barbara back in 1997, thinking it was a self-esteem course. It was actually training to teach it. He doesn't do detail, he admits.
My line on it, and I can't remember where I first heard it, is do esteemable things. Do stuff you feel good about and you'll do more of it. Do stuff you feel bad about and you'll do more of that too. It's momentum, whichever way it's rolling.
Nigel asked me to score myself out of ten. I said eight, and owned up that it had probably crept up since the first take because talking about it had made me think I was doing all right. He was on 9.1. I used to be at the other end. Big fragile ego, telling everyone I was brilliant and not believing a word of it. So I can't stand fake it till you make it. Operate as if you know how to do the thing, sure, but if someone asks you straight, tell them you're still figuring it out.
Nigel's take on fine is feeling inwardly negative every day. I offered a ruder version, cleaned it up to fed up, insecure, neurotic and emotional, and he decided it wasn't for our listeners. Then he quoted Man in the Mirror and I knew the words better than he did.
What I'd pass on
- Own your mistakes quickly. Getting defensive is usually a sign you don't feel great about yourself.
- Want to feel better about yourself? Do things you can feel good about.
- Score yourself out of ten and aim for one more point by next month. A three to a four is a big jump.
- Operate as if you know how, but don't fake it. If someone asks straight, tell the truth.
- Put your own mask on first. You can't help anyone if you're not breathing.
If you want to increase your self-esteem, do esteemable things.
Neil Martin
Once the plates are spinning, it doesn't take much to keep them going.
Nigel Risner
