From Tune Into the True You, the free 31-day course I made in December 2015. This is the most personal part of it.
I'm a teenager, walking home with my school report in my bag. One line on it says Neil has the ability to go to university but is more likely to go to prison. And I've got to hand it over to my parents.
I hated that teacher. For years I carried a resentment about that report.
He did me a favour. At that point in my life he was telling the truth. I was going off the rails. My behaviour wasn't what it should have been, and my life could have turned out very differently.
All those people are taken
There's a song I heard a lot growing up, by the Kinks, later covered by the Jam. "David Watts". The line that sticks is "I wish I could be like David Watts", because David Watts has everything going for him. Captain of the team, the one everybody wants to be.
But who does David Watts want to be? Maybe he's wishing he was David Beckham. Or Jay-Z. All those people are taken. The only person you can ever be is you. You can show up as different versions of you, and you can become the best version of you. But everything that's happened in your life so far is what made you you.
Accepting that is hard. I know from my own life, and from coaching people. So start with your wins. Make a victories list, big ones and tiny ones. Did you get yourself dressed this morning? There was a time you couldn't. Got through today without sh*tting yourself? Same. Those count. When you start from celebration, you dream bigger.
Hitting snooze
"The universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." (Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection)
I hit snooze on my health for years. There were so many warning signs while it was getting worse, and I kept hoping they'd go away. Maybe it'll work itself out. Maybe it's not so bad. Maybe someone will come along with some magic pills and make me better.
It's easy to see with a tax return, because there's a deadline. It's harder when nothing is forcing the issue. Work and relationships are just the same. What have you hit snooze on so many times you've stopped hearing the alarm? I don't want you to have one of those "oh my god, is that the time?" moments with your life.
Forgive, and say thank you
People say forgive and forget. What if you could forgive and say thank you? There's a line widely credited to Oprah Winfrey, that true forgiveness is when you can say "Thank you for that experience."
For years I blamed people and events. Why did I get fat and sick, destroy my health, end up depressed and anxious? Because my dad died. I could blame things and blame people, and I did. Rather than looking for the lesson, I looked for who was at fault.
Now I look for the lesson. When I look back, I'm thankful for some of the moments I hated for years. They happened so I could be the person I am now.
That's my story, not medical advice. If any of this sounds familiar, please speak to your GP. I share what I got wrong because it might help somebody else, and because the more of us who are open about this stuff, the safer it gets for the next person to say what's really going on.
Sharing it isn't easy. It can feel like showing weakness. Making yourself vulnerable actually shows your strength. Maybe there's a conversation you've been putting off. Maybe there's something you need to admit to yourself. If it's stopping you being the real you, it's worth the risk.
And if you're going to blame people for the bad stuff, blame them for the good stuff too. If you blame an ex for everything, do you blame them for your children as well? Or rather, just thank them.
Try this
Make a list of the people and events you've blamed, resented or been angry with. Next to each, write what they taught you or how they helped shape you. For events, just let yourself feel the thanks. For people, where it's right, send a message or pick up the phone.
Start with the one that makes you wince a bit. That's usually the one with the most to give back.
