It's the third of December 2015. The news says RAF jets have started bombing targets in Syria. I'm sitting with it, thinking about peace, and about how many of us are at war with ourselves.
Because I was, for a long time.
Whose fault is this?
Why is this happening to me? Whose fault is this? I asked those questions for years. I felt trapped, and I was always looking outside myself for something to make it better.
Was I angry because my dad had died? Because I'd been picked on at school? Because nobody seemed able to make everything all right?
It took years to peel back the layers. Underneath all of it, the person making me most angry was me. The person I resented most was myself.
The label
I didn't want to take responsibility for any of it. I ignored the good things, too. I'd labelled myself depressed, and somewhere in my head that meant I wasn't allowed to feel happy.
I know how that sounds. If you've been there, you'll understand it anyway.
Peace starts small
Most of the violence in the world doesn't happen in war zones. It happens in ordinary homes and on ordinary streets, a long way from the news bulletins.
So I don't think peace starts with governments. I think it starts with making peace with yourself. Then it can spread to the people around you.
If you're carrying anger, blame, guilt or shame, it might be time to put some of it down. You can't change the past. You can learn from it, and you can forgive, starting with yourself.
To me, or for me?
One of the biggest shifts I ever made was a single word. I stopped asking why is this happening to me, and started asking why is this happening for me. What's this here to teach me?
It doesn't make the hard stuff easy. It does stop you hunting for someone to blame, and it frees up the energy to change the things you can. These days, it also means being a lot kinder in the conversation in my own head.
And if it's heavier than a change of question can shift, talk to someone about it, whether that's a friend, your GP or a therapist.
First published December 2015.
