It's summer 2019 and I'm recording an interview for One Conversation Away, the online summit I'm running. Every guest gets the same question. What's the one conversation that changed your life?
The woman on my screen is someone I first met when she was going through a really dark time. She asks if I remember what she was like back then. She was crying almost all the time.
"Yes, I remember".
Then she tells me the conversation that changed things for her was one she had with me.
If you're hard on yourself, this post is for you. There's one question in it you can carry round in your pocket, and it takes about three seconds to use.
The question
Back when we first met, she tells me, she kept calling herself useless. She couldn't do this, and couldn't even manage the simple stuff. She was swearing at herself, and hating herself for not being able to stop.
And I asked her, "Would you talk to someone else the way you talk to yourself?"
She says it was one of the first things that stopped that voice in its tracks. I'd also suggested she stand in front of a mirror and tell herself "I love you". It sounds so simple now, she says. At the time it was really hard.
Then she tells me I'm one of the people who opened her eyes and changed her life.
I don't remember asking
I'm sat there with tears behind my eyes, and the honest answer is that I don't remember that conversation at all. I remember the person. I don't remember the words.
What I do know is that I didn't change anything for her. She did. I can hand someone a key, but they've still got to turn it and walk out of the door themselves. She did all of that.
I've had some brutal conversations in my own head over the years, so I understand that voice better than I'd like to. It's one reason I talk about this stuff openly now. The more of us who are willing to be open, the safer it gets for the next person to say what's really going on.
Why it works
Most of us would never speak to a friend the way we speak to ourselves. If a mate messed something up, you wouldn't call them useless. You'd tell them everyone gets things wrong, and ask what they need.
The harsh voice gets away with it because it's quiet and it's constant. It doesn't announce itself. It just keeps saying the same sentence until it sounds like the truth. Asking whether you'd say it to someone else drags it out into the open, where you can hear how unkind it is.
Since that summit, I've noticed how many of the life-changing conversations people describe happened inside their own heads. A lot of the time nothing moved until someone caught the sentence they kept repeating.
Your conversation this week
Next time you catch yourself calling yourself a name, stop and ask that question. Would you say it to a friend who'd done the same thing? If the answer's no, say to yourself what you'd say to them instead. And if you're feeling brave, try the mirror.
If that voice has got so loud it's frightening you, please talk to someone today. Someone you trust, or your GP. In the UK, Samaritans are on 116 123, day or night.
